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On Dating Hungarians

[From the Budapest Week Archive Classics]

By Dork Zygotian

As one walks down the street in Budapest, a common reaction that many visitors have as they gaze at the physical perfection of Hungarians is "Gee! I wish the human race were transformed into cute little rodents whose only aim in life was to have continuous, lusty, mindless animal couplings at every opportunity, hundreds of times each day!" Yes, Budapest gets the juices flowing, and why not? Hungary is a land of romance, of passion. But first you have to get over the hard part. You have to get a date.

This information is aimed at men, those slaves of testosterone who carry their brains in two neat little bundles between their legs. Women who are visiting often ask "Are there any available Hungarian men?" The answer is yes. All Hungarian men are available. Every one of them. Especially if you like married men, about forty, reeking of pálinka. All Hungarian men are charming, enchanting, good-looking, and completely unintelligible if you don't speak Hungarian. Rex Harrison crooned it best, in My Fair Lady, "Oozing charm from every pore/ He oiled his way across the floor/ Never have I seen a ruder pest/ than that hairy hound from Budapest."

Men, however, must take a different approach to attract the wily Magyar leány. Ever since Zsazsa Gabor first uttered "Dahhling..." and Cicciolina first sprayed a front row in Turin, foreign men have felt an irresistable attraction to Hungarian women. And why not? They are among God's loveliest critters, scampering merrily around the Danube basin clad in tiny bikinis, clinging halter tops, and those wonderful high heeled shoes known in other parts of the world as "fuck-me pumps."

If you are just traveling around Hungary or staying for a while, there are a few things you should know about dating Hungarian women. First of all, there is the language barrier. I have known people who had a perfectly happy, if somewhat shallow, relationship with absolutely no intelligible communication between them for months at a time. Rubbing your belly means "Hungry? Want to go to expensive restaurant?" Other communications were made by rubbing anything else. Otherwise you will have to speak Hungarian or find a Hungarian who speaks something you understand.

A good looking Hungarian woman who speaks English, German, or French is quite a find, and she knows it. She recieves daily faxes from suitors the world over and she knows the exact opening hours and addresses of the Chinese restaurants that serve imported lobster Szechuan style, which goes extremely well with a light, yet fruity French white wine, slightly chilled, and remember to tip the waiter 10%. Still interested?

Hungarian women are raised on Hungarian men. That means they are used to recieving flowers before being taken to the theater and wined and dined afterwards by a nice smelling young man who goes to the bathroom every fifteen minutes to preen in front of a mirror to ensure that he still looks nice and then after two dates he's allowed to get to home base, and then they get married, two years later divorced, and that's where you walk in. You are different than all the nice smelling young men she's known. You are not Hungarian. You are exotic.

You did not go to the same school system, did not serve in the same army, did not grope her same girlfriends in highschool, nor belong to the same Young Communist league. Nor has she been busted for possession by the same cop in Alabama, dropped out of the same University, belonged to your voodoo cult, nor ever watched The Brady Bunch. You are Ricky Ricardo to her Lucille Ball. Exotissimo!

That doesn't mean that meeting the Hungarian girl of your dreams is going to be easy. You can't tell a Hungarian girl that you are a tourist. You have to come up with something more permanent, like environmental protection engineer or journalist (a perennial favorite around our office.) You will also need a suit of clothes that could not possibly have ever seen the inside of a backpack, and a real pair of shoes.

And yes, you will have to start taking showers. Lots of showers. And buying flowers. And taking her out to nice restaurants that normally cost you an arm and a leg, but now leave you a financial quadripelegic. And while the local Joe gets to home after two dates, you will have to wait longer.

The waiting period is to see if you are "serious." That means that you are either staying in Hungary long term, or you are really, really rich. After all, Lucy wasn't just "living" with Ricky. They were married.

You will have to compose yourself with a lot more chilvalry and charm than Western girls demand. You will open doors for your date, but you will always enter a restaurant or bar first. You pay the bill. You pay for taxis. You compliment her looks, her clothes, ask attentively about her day at work. You call her, she does not call you.

At the same time, all this hoopla is designed to get you a few old fashioned rewards. You are expected to be a gentleman, and gentlemen are not expected to do their own laundry. Hungarian women are not attracted to new-age sensitive guys. They want A Man, not a companion who knows how to parboil brown rice and cries at the end of movies.

Having followed this advice, you should now be the proud owner of a Hungarian girlfriend. Stay the helm. There is still much to learn.

Rick E. Bruner | Budapest Nostalgia, Expat Philosophy | Apr 2, 2004 | Comments (101)


How much longer do we have to tolerate Zygotian's incessant rants against Hungarians, women, and tame domestic pets? The Azeri prison officials should have just let him rot in gaol when they had their hands on him! Curse you, Azeris, and your lax penal system!

Mary Ellen Liebowitz | May 4, 2004

I think the author of this thing is in need of some serious R&R! You need to get laid and unwind and stop putting people and places down that yu have no idea about!

All in all kiss my beautiful hungarian Ass Asshole!

bullshit ass | Jan 15, 2005

Are you people confusing Hungary with for example Miami? First you should look and criticize your own back yard before trashing people you don't know shit about.
You must be writing this in pain of blue balls, as you couldn't get laid by a Hungarian girl.
So, get yourself a great and real American girl (obviously that's what you must like) and get laid. Hopefully you won't have to put into it any effort and it won't cost you anything. That's a great deal for a cheep and careless idiot like you!

LT | Feb 16, 2005

hey thats the perfect example as to why americans make bad tourist.
They need more lessons in cross cultural behavior!!!

Americans suck | Jun 20, 2005

This guy doesn't know the ABC's about Hungarian women, must have got lucky with 70 yr old and blabbering like an idiot!!! Listening to this advise you ain't gonna get nothing, you'll end-up 'choking your own chicken' - like he does.

david | Jul 15, 2005

Hey calm down, the man has a point. I have a hungarian girlfriend and I am obligated to take several showers, I do pay almost everything but only because of my good financial situation and yes she needs a man. I found that out the first time when a tear came out during a dramatic film (a dog died) and she seemed pretty upset. She calls me very often though. So, relax people, this is not a stupid yankee thesis about europeans but propably a plesant description of a personal experience.

Alex | Jul 18, 2005

hey watever hungarians are f'ing hotties and if u can get one more power too u ooh and i have a large penis thats all bye

penis | Jul 19, 2005

But you do also run the danger of your Hungarian girlfriend treating you the same as she would a Hungarian man, no matter how exotic you are. (Interpret this as you will. I don't want to slag anyone off; just be cautious). Yes and they're hot and do your head in....

Woyse | Aug 1, 2005

I think Dork's essay is spot-on! Hungarians need to lighten up and stop taking themselves SO F-ING seriously! Especially the women- Yeah they're cute but their personalities (or lack there of) leave A LOT to be desired.

Go to Venezuela or Colombia where the women are just as beautiful (arguably even hotter), more friendly and happy, and are simply more pleasant to be around.

And kiss my ass if you disagree with me...

VeryTrue! | Oct 8, 2005

I think he got the men right.

alison | Dec 25, 2005

Yes, this guy has a number of valid points (supported by his 'soulmate', Dave): most Western men (especially Anglo-Saxons) take a shower about once a week "whether they need it or not". They are not interested in anything cultural, but when they try to get their shag by relenting, they turn up at the Opera in clothes any civilised person would first wash, iron and then use on dinosaur tracing expeditions. They are unromantic and crashing bores who need a lesson in courtesy (flowers. chocolate etc.). The 'author' has penis envy in relation to Hungarian men because they learn the tricks at an early age, and he resents Hunagrian women because they are more sophisticated than he has ever seen women before and they choose lobster over a McDonalds before they are even prepared to talk to him. A drooping old slag - he wants his 'fuck-me-shoes' on the cheap! Well done girls, you have obviously treated him the way he deserves - perhaps a bit too kindly. And to the guy who thinks Hungarian women take themselves too seriously: I suppose unlike the monosyllabic British yobs, who spend most of their lives in front of a television set, watching one sport or another in a drunken stupor and have no idea of how to integrate themselves into a functioning family. If that's your idea of being 'relaxed and cool' then you are lacking in substance, just like so many of your 'soulmates' and then you are a 'persona non grata' in this land.

Hungarian | Dec 31, 2005

don't know anything about hungurian girls...i agree on the lack of any cultural basis of western girls..but, indeed, i lived for 4 years with a russian girl, and i know very well russian chicks..yes they are sophisticated..yes they are sensible..yes they are extremely charming and educated..and yes, they are greedy like hell, u'll never know if they love you o your wallet...and yes they are unfaithful and unreliable...the hardest time in my life...and i had many foreigner girls before, so i made the mistake to believe i could cope with them...was only afterwards that i could realize how lucky we are with italian girls...

leo | Jan 24, 2006

Some of that stuff he said was correct, like entering retail outlets first as you are the one paying. Apart from that i'm not sure early days for me to comment.

We are both in England, Brighton. I met her here. Yes she is hot. And yes I think they do wish to be treated like a princess; But who does'nt?? Girls have to be choosy, as when the commit they give their body/mind and their future child.

This girl has treated me alot better than any other English girls, cooking meals, making packed lunches ect. Also in turn I spoil her.

Do you not think that it is just a more traditional way?? In our western civilisation with women becoming equal. We and western women loose sight of the 'old romance'.

These Eastern women still hold on to this, maybe due to the religous aspect of these lands. I dated a Polish girl for 8 months and she was the same, if not alot more.

There is always going to be a conflict between east and west. West is about money! East is realising money! Just treat people how you wish to be treated, and reval in it.

Treat her like a princess and your rewards will be great(best fuck i have ever had). But remember
be strong and dont let her take the piss, because all women will test you till the end of time. And no women wants a lap dog! We are all only human and the intrinsic natures of our seperate cultures are really not that different.

Eastern women are great.

ali | Jan 24, 2006

I tend to agree with ali ... being an American engaged to a wonderful Hungarian woman, and having met her friends in Budapest while on holiday there, there are some differences but not a lot of major ones from my observations. Honestly, when I arrived in Budapest for the first time I did not know what to expect, but after my first 4 week stay I realized there were more similarities to what I have known in Pennsylvania than there were differences. For me the worst part about my stay was the lack of wheelchair accommodations (I am a paraplegic). Navigation through the city was interesting ... seems I was a novelty wheeling around.

Oh, I can agree with the fact that Hungarian have a more 'determined' mindset (I won't use stubborn or pigheaded again ... I still have a scar ... :) ) and of fiancée and her friends, I don't know that any of them cook ... but they didn't seem to mind that fact that I would cook for them :)

Women are women, men are men (well, okay, there are some exceptions, but we won't go into that here ;) ) ... every place around the world will have equivalent samplings - nice, mean, helpful, manipulative, compassionate, shallow ... whether it is in UK, US, Hungary, India (a sampling I know first hand). Ignorance breeds intolerance and intolerance breeds ignorance.

wsh | Feb 12, 2006

well I married a hungarian man and I'm an american. it's true about the showers and the excessive amounts of cologne. flowers too.
but, they are looking for a mother, not a deep intellectual relationship. and they are unfaithful. big ego's, limited self-awareness, charming but dead ends for a committed relationship.

| Feb 16, 2006

Well.....so much for the intellectuals.....in fact, Hungarian women are like all the others in the world. They like respect, attention and love. All this nonsense about liking men who 'don't cry at the end of movies' just gives more fuel to the pathetic idiots who come here on 'stag' parties and then behave as though they are inmates in a zoo. They should be castrated.....come to think of it, they probably already have been......

BPstray.cat | Mar 26, 2006

Interesting to see this article generating so much comment. A few points of context. Dork has lived in Budapest for something like 25 years at this point, so he does have some good context on the question. Also, this article was originally printed in Budapest Week newspaper around 1993 or so, so the context then was that Americans were something new and unfamiliar in Hungary. Also, several of you (mostly the Hungarians, who always have a problem with this concept) seem to miss the point that Dork is a satirist. He wouldn't have stayed for 25 years if he didn't really love you nutty magyars.

Rick Bruner | Apr 14, 2006

The information on this page I believe is somewhat inaccurate. I have been in Hungary for 5 weeks now, and had some kind of relationship with at least 4 girls. Girls who are speaking english or german (not many french speakers) do not think they are a great catch, mainly because all girls are speaking at least one of these languages. Another piece of advice I could give is a Hungarian girl will never ever take you home on the first night. My conclusion is, Hungarian girls are quite easy to date with, but generally their personalities suck. Looks wise, well, they have a terrible sense of fashion and alot of them are very fake. Its somekind of fashion to completely wax your eyebrows and use a pencil to draw new ones. And secondly they love dying their hair, not that this is such a bad thing, but considering the incredibly tacky colours they use, it is definitely a bad thing.

Martin | Apr 17, 2006

Well, very interesting. I'm American and have been living in Hungary for almost 3 years. I've had 2 long relationships and several other short ones. I personally think the author is dead on. Although, it depends on what you want. Sure, if you want that one night stand, it happens, no problem! If you are looking for a long term relationship with an intelligent, interesting woman that can excite you outside the bedroom, then you have to act like a man, be witty, romantic, and treat her like a princess. Are Hungarian women a catch? I certainly think so. Most women I've met had at least one diploma (and believe me, their education system is generally far better than ours, I know first hand) and In my opinion, know how to act a lot more like a lady than the average American woman. They can be passionate, loving, caring, sexy, just a real treat to be around with. Most of the comments made here that are against Hungarian women make me think that you've met the wrong ones in the wrong places. The way you act, dress, and approach them also a huge determining factor of what kind of women you will end up with (if at all). Rick, no offense, but 5 weeks and 4 girls?? Great for the ego, but damn, try going for quality not quantity! Maybe you guys should try to learn THEIR language and try to first get inside their heads instead of their pants.

Chris | Apr 20, 2006

Well, this is fascinating stuff, all these different perspectives on magyar girls. I am magyar myself, but have been living in the West for a very long time, and my marriage and virtually all my relationships have been with Western women. Only recently have I had the experience of getting to know girls from Hungary. So, that's the background, and now to the experience, but remember that this is personal and very much subjective. It may not hold valid for you, or anyone else.

I find Hungarian women very interesting, indeed fascinating. In terms of looks, a great many of them are drop dead gorgeous. More importantly, almost as a rule, they are all smart and very well educated.

The expectation of being treated like a princess by their man is not uncommon among them, but there are plenty of exceptions. My view is that beautiful babies tend to get a lot of attention and tend to get spoiled, no matter where they are, and this is as true of Hungarian girls, as it is of all the others. I really don't think that magyar girls are different in this respect.

Talking in generalities (and keep in mind that there are always plenty of exceptions to anything we say in general terms), what is perhaps most important for a typical magyar girl is to be with a man who has manners, is intelligent, and is at least as educated as she is. If she is going to date a guy, she must feel that he genuinely cares about her and shows her the kind of consideration and respect that all people, both men and women, expect to receive from their date/partner. So, once again, Hungarian girls are hardly unique, or unreasonable, in their expectations of men.

The expectation of being spoiled with expensive dinners and flowers and all that can be a real drag for guys who are not accustomed to these expressions of chivalry. Having largely dated Western women, I myself find it very artificial and feel that I am being pretentious and not quite myself when I do it because I feel that it is expepected of me to show my caring and affection for her in this way. Having been with Western women for the most part, it seem all so childish and even old fashioned.

But it would be a mistake to think that this is somehow unique to Hungarian girls. Here is a specific example: I dated an American girl whom I absolutely adored, but who has been the worst in my experience in this regard. Going to a modest little restaurant seemed to make her cringe at the "cheap" treatment. There was nothing like going to Danny's, to take the edge off it for her on an otherwise pleasant evening, and she did not hesitate making disparaging remarks about eating out at Danny's and the like. Worst of all, this "expensive" attitude extended to other boutique, if modest, restaurants, which, in my view, offered genuine cultural experience. A good example of this was a modest little Ethiopian restaurant where the surroundings, the people, and the food were all 100% authentic. I absolutely loved the place, the people who hardly spoke English, and of course their cooking, but had to suffer the look of thinly disguised dismay on my girlfriend's face when she saw the relatively modest price tags on the menu. I concluded, sadly, that she was somewhat of a snob, a beautiful but spoiled baby, and probably too spoiled for me to actually live with.

On the other hand, my experience with a Hungarian girl, has been the opposite. Whenever we are together, she looks after me 100%, cooking, cleaning, and even my washing. She is smart, talented, highly educated, widely travelled, strong willed and passionate, and determined to get what she wants come hell or high water. She is quite a phenomenon of complexity and simplicity, all impossibly bundled into one. On special occasions, we eat at expensive places because the service and the food at these places are truly exceptional, and are something to experience. Otherwise, she is just as happy to enjoy a langosh on a park bench with me, or eat at any place that has character and offers good food, and the cheaper the better. And, here comes the crack of the whip: she fights me every time we need to pay for a taxi, bus, train, food, or whatever. I sometimes really have to put my foot down to ensure that I at least pay my way when I am with her.

So, there you have it, guys. It all depends on the individual. There isn't all that much difference between magyar girls and others. At least that is my experience. If anything, they still tend to retain the somewhat traditional sense of wanting to care for and look after their men. This is sweet, and easy to get used to

If you want to be spoiled as a man, choose a Hungarian girl that you genuinely like, and who is not spoiled. If you manage this, you can consider yourself a lucky devil. Appreciate and enjoy the experience.

The trickiest part, of course, is that you must find a girl who is not spoiled, and chances are that she will be happy to spoil you. But, once you have gotten this right, spoiling her in return should be a pleasure, and only fair.

In your search for a girl, it is well to keep in mind the general rule: If she is a babe, chances are that she is spoiled. There are exceptions, of course. There always are. But you have heard of trophy women, and by the same token you have been warned. They are everything that they look, and much, much more. I leave it to you to figure out what that means, and to beware!!!

Toby | Apr 24, 2006

All generalisation is painful and weak, but still its irresistable to point out that I have lived for several years in each of the following countries; Hungary, Russia and Poland. Now I have this to say..Russian women were the most charming, beautiful and sexy I have ever seen (incomparable!) but (as was pointed out earlier) you will never be sure if they love you or your wallet, because they are are not clear on this themselves. Polish women...not interested..they've become so westernised in the last 10 years, you would hardly know the difference now - it wont be long before the 'ladette' makes her debut. Hungarian women dont generally understand the 'sensitive' western guy; they have known mostly Hungarian men and they (Magyar men) are different at the core from western European men. Hungarians, in general, are too much with themselves in many ways and havent yet understood (and may never understand) the western mentality, which is both a good and a bad thing. The thing I hate the most about all three of these nationalities though is when they (the women) start complaining about their married men. In Poland, Russia and Hungary, I heard the same stupid refrain; 'I'm so sick of Russian/Polish/Hungarian men! They marry you and promise you to be faithful and then two years into their marriage, they find themselves a lover!' 'Oh really' you say 'what kind of lover?'. 'A younger one!!' they scowl. But who are these mysterious young lovers of all these married men, we ask...? Well... they're the younger generation who will one day become the bitter married women complaining about their unfaithful husbands, but for now are content to sleep with married men, until they are old enough to feel like they should be married themselves. I mean! Someone has to take responsibility for the problem! Should it be the married men who go looking for it or the young girls who offer it? Tell you what... you work it out!

Chuff | Jun 8, 2006

What do you think? You come to Hungary and get adventures without paying a penny, unwashed, etc. on the first day?

You came to the wrong land, you'd better go home and enjoy your women there without making any effort!

Kris | Jul 22, 2006

I've a Hungarian lover for more than 10 years and the stories of her friends and relatives tell me that you would be hard pushed to find a really faithful partner in Hungary (I liked Toby's comments about the young girls ... I agree completely). I must say in defence though that I have never been so in love, excited or happy in my life than with my beautiful Hungarian :)

Bob | Aug 23, 2006

Hey Dork Thanks!

I bit the buillet and bought some nice clothes asn shoes - especially the shoes - then with my flowers I scored! Just like you said it was more than two dates but now I am gettign a piece regular! Merci Beau Coup!


Smithy | Aug 26, 2006

Well, I am a Hungarian, female, and have been faithful to all of my men all of my life. I also have many (female) friends who have been like me. This cannot be told of most of the males we know, including, in particular, the many Anglo-Saxon relationships and marriages in our midst. I can confirm to you that British men, in particular, have a very poor track record in this, and my own dear British ex-husband has cheated on me in the most spineless, backhand, immoral and cruel way imaginable. They are not only typically unwashed drunkards, they have no idea of or interest in how to treat a woman. They are also reputed to be extremely poor and passive lovers (my personal experience sadly confirms this in the longer term). Yes, some (and not all) Hungarian men are also often unfaithful, but at least they are typically more fun and human to be with while still around. Let's just say that people are people, and it is down to the individual and their values (if they have any, of course) how they behave.

Hungarian | Aug 30, 2006